Catching Caitlin Page 15

  “It’s good to see you again Caitlin. You’re just here to visit me then?”

  “Yeah, I really wanted to see you. It’s been a hard couple of days.” I glanced at my dad, and he nodded as if to say, ‘tell her.’

  “What’s wrong?” my mom asked.

  “Hugh and I broke up.” My mom’s expression faded, so I quickly added, “But the reason why is the big deal. I had alcohol poisoning the other night, and Hugh broke up with me because he said he couldn’t watch me die.” I lifted my hand, miming a drinking motion. “Drink myself to death.”

  My mom studied me, her expression growing more serious. “Why?” she asked.

  “Is that a trick question?”

  “No, but I’m curious. Until I ended up here, I know I thought about it; ‘Real drunks are homeless aren’t they?’ I told myself. I just agreed to come to the clinic, hoping that maybe if I just went along, things might get better.” She laughed, covering her mouth for a moment. “I even thought that they might tell me I didn’t belong here! Isn’t that ridiculous.”

  “I thought that too,” my dad confirmed.

  I steeled my nerves. “I think about drinking more than I like. Sometimes I’ll just want one right after I wake up. I tell myself it’s just to get going.”

  “Sounds about right,” my mom said. She looked at my dad, who nodded in turn. “You can’t beat yourself up though, Cat. Going to an AA meeting probably wouldn’t hurt... they’re having the weekly one tonight actually.” She let go of one of my hands and gripped my dad’s hand.

  “That... I don’t know, it sounds hard.” I suddenly didn’t want to be there anymore. I felt like I was being pressured, pressured to do something I didn’t want to. What if I didn’t have a problem? What if I was normal and everyone else was just messed up?

  My dad chimed in, “Do you ever feel like there’s a weight constantly pushing against your chest?” He held his hand against his heart. “Wearing you down, killing you slowly.” He held his hand there, and I watched it. “I still wake up somedays and I want to drink, Caitlin. But I have a new life now, I have all these reasons to not drink. That being sober keeps me sane is one of the big ones. Being a rock when needed for you mom was another.”

  “Okay...” I clenched the table, as if I was fighting myself to say the words. “I’ll try.” It was probably one of the hardest things I had to say, because of what it meant. “Anything has to be better than what I’m doing now. Nothing makes sense, and I feel... sick inside.”

  “No one is making you,” my dad said. “We just want to see you succeed, to be happy.”

  I slumped in my seat.

  I grabbed a nurse from the hall and asked if I could attend the AA meeting that night.

  She nodded, glancing at her clipboard. “Yes, we usually encourage it actually. Let’s the family see how everything works in here. We just need you to sign up because we only have so many seats.”

  “Okay, where can I do that?”

  She smiled. “I actually have the form here.” She handed me her clipboard and I wrote my name in. The time for the meeting was scribbled in the top left corner: 7 o’clock. I gave her back the clipboard.

  My mom met my dad and I at the door and gave us each a hug. “You two shouldn’t stay here all day though, that’d be a waste.”

  “We’ll go catch a movie, how’s that sound?” My dad slapped me on my shoulder. I nodded, liking the idea of getting my mind off things until tonight.

  “We’ll be back later, Tammy,” my dad said. My mom kissed me on the forehead, which made me almost start crying. She hadn’t be so sweet or kind in years.

  ***

  After seeing a movie and getting a chance to spend some time with my dad, I drove over to the clinic to sit in the AA meeting. A sign at the entrance pointed me in the right direction, where I found an almost empty room. Chairs were circled around an empty space in the center, and two banquet tables lined the far wall and were covered in snack food for guests and patients. As I looked around the room, feeling anxious and out of place, a young woman with brown hair and a splash of freckles on her face caught my gaze and approached me.

  “Hello,” she said. I jumped a little and looked up at her. She couldn’t have been younger than thirty, but I couldn’t pin her age. “I’m Vicky.” She extended her hand and walked to me. I shook it.

  “I’m Caitlin...”

  “Are you new here?” She was hard to read, but friendly.

  “I think? I’m just here for the meeting.” I thought about if it was rude to ask her if she was new. “How long have you been here?”

  “Not long, two days.” She had a fixed gaze, like like she was looking through me. I felt a bit odd. I tried to figure out if she was trying to scare me.

  I looked past her into the room. More people were showing up, I figured the meeting would start soon. “How is it?”

  “The first two days? Depends on how bad off you are. For me? Absolutely punishing, but you have nurses to take care of you. They check up on you, make sure you don’t die.”

  “Die?” I felt sweat on my back. “You can die?”

  “If you’re bad enough off, you can.” She leaned against a table with some food on it, taking weight off her feet.

  I lowered my voice, “Have people died?”

  “Well the saying goes around here, if you don’t get sober, you’ll die anyway, just slower... more painful.”

  I gulped.

  She looked horrified for a moment, her hard expression melting away. “I’m sorry! I shouldn’t be scaring you.” She chuckled and stood back up.

  I laughed nervously, wishing she would leave.

  “I’m really sorry,” she repeated. “Someone gave me the same spiel the first day, it only seemed right I pass it on.” She came closer to me and hugged me, which was surprising. I patted her back lightly in return.

  A couple of minutes later, I saw my mom walk in. We found two seats next to each other. As the other seats filled with people, everyone quieted down. To my surprise, Vicky was the first to speak. She cleared her throat to get everyone’s attention in the circle.

  “My name is Vicky Riveras, and I’m an alcoholic,” she said. Everyone greeted her, and she started in on her story. She came from a wealthy home, but spiraled out of control into depression and ultimately alcoholism after her first divorce in her mid twenties. She had been sober for three days.

  I felt my throat tighten, I really didn’t want to go up in front of everyone. I mean, I couldn’t have been as bad as everyone else.

  “Just a little bit ago I met a young lady named Caitlin and I’d like to welcome her to her first session,” she said. Vicky gestured to me. Everyone briefly turned their attention and I wanted to die. Relief washed over me when my mom broke the awkward silence and greeted me, encouraging other people to join in. They sounded cheerful at least.

  I leaned in close to whisper in her ear. “I didn’t know you had to do this.”

  “You don’t have to talk in front of everyone, but it’s amazing what it does for you,” she whispered back. “No one forces you,” my mom assured me.

  I nodded to Vicky when she glanced at me. Her talking about her divorce made me think of Hugh, what he might be doing right now. Was he with another woman? Was that all he did before he ran into me, and I was just another girl in his line of conquests?

  I held my breath, trying my best to stay calm.

  Another couple of people presented, and they all had different stories. Some came from wealthy jobs and families before their alcoholism crippled them into debt. Others were functionally rich, and maintained the illusion of control until they woke up one morning and saw the garbage bags full of beer filling their garage. They all admitted their names, their strife, and that they were so much happier.

  I wanted to be happy too, because I certainly hadn’t been except for some fleeting moments with Hugh in the last couple of weeks. Without him, I felt like I was nothing, and I at least knew that wasn’t right at all.<
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  I swallowed my spit and raised my hand to volunteer. Everyone quieted down and turned a little in their chairs to face me. I started my story as everyone else had: “Hello, my name is Caitlin Winters, and...” I looked at Vicky, I don’t know why, maybe assurance. “I have a drinking problem, and I want to get better.” It was cathartic, and it already felt like this weight was lifted off my shoulders. This grand structure I had created that held me down, where if it wasn’t my fault, I couldn’t change it.

  By saying it was, I could. That night, I decided to check in. Four weeks wouldn’t kill me. It might make me stronger.

  It just might make me stronger.

  ***

  The first day and night sober were fine, but the second night was brutal. I woke up every hour on the hour with a shaking fever, trying to break itself. Hot flashes would make me feel like I was on fire, and cold sweat soaked my sheets. Nurses were in an out, making sure I had enough water and wasn’t passed out and dead.

  After waking up on the second day, I realized it was the longest I had gone without a drink in two and half years. I couldn’t believe what it felt like.

  A dark fog had finally lifted, and I felt rejuvenated. I didn’t have any more anxiety, and my mouth wasn’t dry. I had this sense of life blooming, this glow and aura I had missed for so long.

  It was great being able to catch up with my mom, almost privately. There were some activities that the clinic held for the patients, which included a movie night once a week, and board games were free to pass around.

  On the fifth day, my mom and I were eating lunch. For most of the meal, we’d been making small talk.

  “When are you going to talk to Hugh again?” she asked me. I almost dropped my fork.

  “Talk to him again? Why would I?” I picked at my food, feeling a little agitated.

  “I thought that was one of the things he told you when you two broke up. He just couldn’t be with you if you were drunk.”

  “That’s not all though,” I said. I lazily gestured with my fork while I talked. “He has his own problems too. I really should have been the one to leave in the first place. When I saw his wedding ring, I should have walked away.”

  “You couldn’t have known,” she said. “How bad it was.”

  “I should have though, I should have.” I finished my plate, scraping the remains with my bread. I looked at her as I swallowed my last bite. “Hindsight, I know.”

  ***

  That night, I sat in my bed with my legs crossed, and held my phone with Hugh’s number on the screen.

  I held my breath and pushed the call button, letting it ring. Every second between rings felt like eternity, but finally, it clicked over to his voicemail. I breathed a small sigh of relief, and waited for the beep.

  “Hugh, It’s Caitlin. I wanted to call you and say I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry if you feel like it was your fault I got drunk that night. I’m better now, I’m getting help, and I’ve been sober for almost a week. I just wanted to call, and say I’m sorry for stressing you out. I hope you’re having a good life.” I couldn’t think of what else to say. The first words that sprang to my lips were “I love you,” but I couldn’t make myself say them. I was shocked that they appeared so easily.

  I ended the call, probably awkwardly adding twenty seconds to the end of the voicemail. I fell back into my bed and cried. I felt mixture of relief and regret. I let myself cry, letting it all go. Finally letting it all go.

  Chapter 11

  The weeks passed quickly as the summer heat set in, giving the air a thick and humid smell. But most of all, I started to really relish my newfound life. Everything felt different. It was like I had been sitting in this daze for the last couple of years, my mind addled and my motivation sapped.

  After my mom and I returned home, my dad gathered us in the living room. It was the first time we had all been together and sober. Tears welled up in his eyes as he talked to us.

  “I’m so glad,” he said, “that we feel like a family again.” He smiled at my mom, and touched her cheek. “That I can sleep at night and feel peace.”

  They moved back into the master bedroom together. It made me happy to see them so enthusiastic about their life together.

  I continued going to AA meetings, where I’d meet up with Vicky and chat with her. I started seeing a therapist, who eventually got me started with some anti-depressants, with the promise that I would be shocked at the turn around. Aaron was amazingly supportive, which made me feel foolish for thinking he wouldn’t be.

  “I knew someone who got into AA in freshmen year,” Aaron told me, “and I’ve never looked down at someone for improving themselves.”

  He brought me flowers, and we started doing a lot more together that summer. We attended writing workshops and he dragged me to go kayaking one weekend.

  Kayaking was an absolute blast, skimming through the water with such agility and ease was exhilarating. As soon as I picked up another job for the summer, working as a delivery driver for a local florist, I snatched a second-hand kayak and started hitting the water whenever I could.

  What really brought me peace and perspective was being outdoors with the sun on my face and cool breeze on my back. I started seeing what Aaron saw, why he majored in environmental science. That breathless beauty that I’d get to watch fly past me as I shot down river after river. I thought about that last environmental science class I took, mostly a whim to get my science credit out of the way.

  So, I decided that fall I would enroll in the local community college to get my grades back up. From there, I’d move forward and reapply to University of Maine and declare my major as Environmental Science.

  I just felt more alive, more involved in my own life.

  But my heart still tugged me towards Hugh. I often found myself lost in thought, thinking about what he might be doing, how his company was doing, and if he was happy. I just hoped he was happy.

  But I couldn’t make him grow and move on from his past, just like he couldn’t force me to do the same.

  Sometimes, I’d dream of him. In y dreams we were naked together, sprawled out on his bed in the penthouse suite he always stayed in. He traced circles around my breasts with the tip of his finger, his eyes watching me intently. I felt warm and safe, like everything was just so. I nuzzled him, and he swept me up and took me into the bathroom, soaking me in hot water in the tub. I laid there, while he massaged my head, my arms, my legs. While he soaped me up, I watched his muscles dance and flex. He whispered in my ear, that he loved me and that I would always be with him.

  ***

  It was a sunny Tuesday when Aaron and I decided to meet up and get some coffee and a snack. It was warm outside, but a cutting wind made it impossible to sit on the patio. We cozied up at our usual table in the corner of the shop.

  “Tell me, how’s it going?” Aaron said, eyeing the whipped cream in his mug.

  “Just doing the same things, delivering flowers, you know.”

  “Have you thought about going back to school?” He took a sip. I didn’t quite feel like finishing my coffee, it tasted a bit burnt.

  “I think I’m going to enroll in community college,” I muttered.

  “Community? Why?”

  I blinked at him. “I got kicked out of my last school.”

  “You did? I thought you just lost your scholarship.” He took another loud sip of his coffee. The whipped cream bowed under his upper lip. “Just reapply for that. I’m sure you could write a hell of a letter now after all those workshops we’ve been taking. Just appeal the loss.”

  My heart raced. “It’s that easy?” I couldn’t help but smile, the idea would cut an entire year off my plans. “That’d be fucking perfect.”

  Aaron grinned, clearly pleased with himself. He thought for a moment, taking a loud slurp and staring at the wall behind me. “Have you heard from Hugh?”

  “Hugh?” I pretended like I didn’t recognize the name. He gave me a look. I sighed. “No, I have
n’t. Why? Should I have?”

  “I just read an article the other day about him taking over some electric company. I wondered if he told you or something.”

  “No,” I tried not to start shaking, “I haven’t. I’m glad he’s doing well though. I haven’t talked to him in forever.”

  He was silent for a moment. He looked out the window. I pushed my biscotti around on the plate, my appetite suddenly gone.

  “Well...”

  I raised my eyebrow at him. “Well, what?”

  “Don’t be snappy with me, I’m just trying to start a conversation here.” He frowned. “He mentioned you in the interview. At least, I think he did.”

  “He what?”

  “Look.” He pulled out his phone and found the article, some local newspaper in Nevada had printed it. It was titled “New CEO of Electric Company Takes Drastic Action.”

  “What’s it about?”

  “The meat of the article talks about the newly appointed CEO of Silver Energy moving the company towards solar based power. He managed to convince the board of directors to move forward with the attempt.”

  “All right... go on.” I scanned the lines as he scrolled past them all too quickly. I wanted to drink up the whole thing, but I waited for permission to snatch the phone.

  “He was flushing a large portion of his own income into the project, and if it was successful, they’d drop their entire line of power plants and move their workers to the solar fields. It’s interesting in an environmental science way, but that wasn’t what I wanted to show you.” He scrolled down to the interview portion of the article. “This part, read this.”

  The interviewer asked Hugh what made him decide to try such a radical idea, when the future of solar was so skeptical.

  Hugh answered, “It’s hard to pin point really, but I’ve done a lot of thinking on the subject. Forgive me for being less technical and more emotional, but these are the reasons I can think of for doing this. The reality is I had this light in my life, this kind of wild energy. She pushed me to really reflect on myself, to challenge myself. I let her slip through my fingers.